Hello and Greetings to all readers. I am Witch Bitch Kitsch and I have prepared your mumbo jumbo horoscope for the year 2016. Wish you good reading. Here goes my reading: HOCKUSPOCKUSABRACADABRA.
Aries the Ram
Before proceeding to your reading, I am drawing the Tarot for you. Lo, what card has come to my eyes? Wow, it is the ass of pentacles and lo, it’s inverted. Dear Aries, you need to pay more heed to shitting. You have to learn to relax when you shit. Repeat this mantra while you shit that you have easy movement of bowels. “ARESTES, ORESTES, SHIKIRKAK, MIMMBLEJAM”. For Aries, this year is like a nativity play. You tend to have many erotic dreams. You get more than you can chew. Lady luck is masturbating lucky days for you. Yes, eat, drink and be merry. You can kill the goose that lays the golden egg because she has reached menopause and will not lay any more golden eggs for you. Drink the menstrual blood of virgins early in the morning so that you can have good luck throughout the ear.
Taurus the Bull
Lo Taureans, Witch Bitch Kitsch is casting the tarot for you. Wow, look what I have got! It’s the card of the lovers, but there’s a slight problem. The woman is a giant and the man is dwarf. No problem there. The man is using a ladder to do buggery to the lady. This is a warning that when you visit whores or gigolos, please be careful and use condoms so that you can escape sexually transmitted diseases. This year when your higher self behaves like a bum, curse it, mouth it with obscenities and then it will be pleased and it will fertilize you with successful dreams from the unconscious. Say this mantra thirteen times daily and insert a candle in your anus and light the outer end. “NIRVISHYA, BAMBOOZLEA, ZIMBORONA, CALPURINIA”. Wish you all the best for the year 2016. Please be careful not to flirt with virgins as their fathers might give you a sound thrashing.
Gemini the Twins
Yes my darling Geminies, Witch Bitch Kitsch is shuffling the tarot for you. Yes, a real surprise there and look what I have got! I have drawn the Phallus of Pentacles. It means that you must pay more attention to your groin. Please be careful and take care to wash it as much as many times as you can. Early in the morning after waking up and taking a bath, you should do the phallic ritual for men and the vagina ritual for the woman. Light a candle and also use incense. Chant this mantra 4 times and say: ‘up yours’. “GOLEM, BIBULKANDA, GOLKONDA, TRASEVERE”. For good luck to come this year, make sure to bed with an old hag. This will ensure that lady luck will emit farts of good luck and keep your sprits sailing high.
Cancer the Crab
Witch Bitch Kitsch is shuffling the Templar Cacophony Tarot for you. LO! Amazing! See what I have got. I have got the masturbating Hanged Man for you. This will spell an amazing period of fertile luck for you. In order to attract good luck, please make sure to have sex as many times as you can and try experimenting with different positions. If possible consult the book: Kama Sutra. Chant this mantra eight times. “RIDICULUS IMPLICUS FOSFERUENUS NICOLICUS”. If possible wash the behind of a black cat successively for thirteen days. If do this, you can attract good karma into your life.
Leo the Lion
Yes, Witch Bitch Kitsch is paddling to get your trump card of luck. Lo! What have I got from the Gnostic Templar Tarot! Surprise! I have produced the Whore Beelzebub card for you. Whores have a very special place in history. They have even changed the course of wars. You must be knowing the story of the Whore-spy Mata Hari who bewitched many unsuspecting men. What is the symbolic meaning of this card? The whore means if you get a chance, give a sound thrashing to an astrologer, tarot reader or a psychic since they are all charlatans and quacks. This will bring you good tidings. Dip a candle in menstrual blood and chant these esoteric words fourteen times. “GODLICIOUS, ANGELICUS, DEVILICUS, BRUTALICIUS”. Wish you peace and prosperity for the year 2016.
Virgo the Maiden
Witch Bitch Kitsch is eager to draw the Templar of the Golden Pussy Tarot for you. Here and there and here we go. LO! What have I got! It’s the card of the Virgin playing with her cunt. This has a lot of significance in Esoteric Kabbalah. The New Year 2016 will be like a Carnival for you. What you have to do is this. You have to draw the symbolic sign of the Cross around your groin area and chant these magical words fifteen times. “Mystici, Myseterium, Gorkha, Jurkhi, Cabelanum”. Wish you a happy and prosperous New Year of 2016.
Libra the Scales
Yes, Witch Bitch Kitsch is in all eager anxiety to draw the mystic charm of the tarot belonging to the esoteric Kabala for you. LO! What have I got! I have got the whore who loves to be but spanked. Leave aside all anxiety and trepidation and sail victoriously with the wings of fortune and change. You have to pour milk into a cow’s bums and squeeze your nipples at the same time and chant this mantra early in the morning. “DRACO BOMBASTICUS FERTILANDUS MYSTICUS”. Wish you blessed tidings for the year 2016.
Scorpio the Scorpion
Yes my darling Scorpio, I am very hasty to draw the Tarot of the Templar Bitch. LO! What have I got! I have got the card of the Lesbian Orgy for you. What does this symbolize? Live a reckless and carefree life for the year 2016. Make sure to cut a cat’s tail and place one strand of it and drink it in a glass mixed with whiskey and milk. And make sure to chant this sacred mantra sixteen times. “TEMPLELUM ARCANUM MUNDANUM HUGGER MUGGERUM.” Wish you a prosperous 2016.
Sagittarius the Archer
Yes, I am casting the Tarot of the Templar quirk for you. LO! Charm! What have I got! I have got the card of the Witch doing the ritual of the Sacred Vagina. What does this mean my dear Sagittarians for you? Leave the New Year 2016 entirely to chance, abandon the winds of caution in your life. Make a sacred altar of candles and Chinese incense and then wash your ass thirteen times. Chant this sacred mantra. “CUNNLINGUM, FELLATIOLINGUM, LINGUM, GUMMMING, OOOAAAHING”. Carry a piece of snake’s hide in your pocket to attract the fairies of good luck. Dear Sagittarians, let this year be one of carnival and revelry.
Capricorn the Goat
Witch Bitch Kitsch is feisty when she draws the TAROT of the secret behind the sacred Ass of meaning. LO! What is the card got? It is the card of the divine asshole. What does this mean for Capricornians for the year 2016? You can wallow like a hippopotamus in muddy water and enjoy the labor of your hands. The card says that it changing the LORD’S PRAYER FOR YOU. “Father give us this day not our daily Bread, but abundance of daily bread.” Early in the morning rub your penile or clitoral skin fifteen times and then light green candles and incense and then chant this mantra. “MYSTICUM ASSHOLEUM YUUMMY MUMMY PUSSYUM’. Wish you a great 2015.
Aquarius the Water Bearer
Witch Bitch Kitsch enjoys casting your card for you are a watering peeing sign. Witch Bitch Kitsch is drawing the card of Hermit Circumcision. This is a warning don’t go into hibernation. The Hermit of Circumcision foretells that you can live the life of an extravagant prodigal son and in the end you don’t become bankrupt and having to go begging before the Divine Father. Massage your bums early in the morning twenty times and then chant this sacred mantra. “GOSSAMORON LIBIDINUM MYSTERIUM TREMENUM’. Wish you a great 2015.
Pisces the Fish
Witch Bitch Kitsch is winking her eyes. She has to be very careful this time as this sign, Pisces is her own sign. Witch Bitch Kitsch is drawing the tarot card of the strip tease bitch. Wow! Surprising! What is the card drawn? It’s the card of the strip tease. Yes dear Pisceans the search for the fertility of meaning has ended. No matter what the assholes of astrology, tarot and psychics say, this year will be one of Dionysian ecstasy. Affirm the doctrine of the WILL TO POWER IN YOUR LIFE AS espoused by philosopher Nietzsche. You have the fortune to become the Ubermensch. Close your eyes with one hand and squeeze your nipples with the other and then chant this ritual mantra thirteen times. “SIXXICUM SIXXICUM SIXXICUM MYSTERIUM ORGASM” Wish you happy and prosperous and peaceful New Year 2016.